I messed up. I promised to take N to the store on Saturday night, and I didn't. I didn't even call to say I couldn't (because I had lost my phone). She called once at 11:30PM, and texted once at 11:35 (the store is open until 1am and I usually push the limit), and never sent a return text until Sunday morning. When I found my phone at 1:40 AM I didn't want to call and wake her, so I texted when I woke up at 11:00 AM instead, and wrote that I would be going to the store at 2PM.
The promise to take N to the store had been made during a brief Saturday meeting when she brought her daughter's dog over to the back yard just before dusk. (N walks her daughter's dog because her daughter doesn't take the time to sometimes.) The dog was constantly jumping at my crotch and I was wearing PJ's, so I finally had to push the dog down myself.
N asked "If you go to the store tonight, could you take me with you." That's how she put the question and I merely answered "OK, I'll call you when I am going to the store [tonight]." (I can't remember if I said tonight, but I suppose it was implied by the question, and I understood it that way.)
That was innocent enough, but she should have known I usually don't go to the store on Saturday nights. I usually go at the very last minute, 2:30 PM or so on Sunday, just before my Sunday party. So I found the question a bit irritating. Sure it was put with a nice friendly "if" but the suggestion was that if I didn't go to the store tonight, she probably wouldn't be able to make the soup she planned to make, and then might not even want to come to the party either. I didn't want to take that chance which was why I agreed. Even though the living room was still in a very messy state that would require many more hours to clean up, and I usually like to do that on Saturday night so I can sleep well. I felt pressured. But I figured I could wing it. If indeed I felt OK I would go. If not, I could always call. We could sort it out. No need to say NO now. And often, she cancels plans anyway, come 11PM she might even decide not to go. This was, of course, an error on my part. I should have either committed fully or rejected or been honest about my misgivings. As this conversation was already a bit strained, a full "honest" explanation of my feeling--of being pressured--did not seem like the best thing to do, but either of the other two options should have been selected. If I had to do it over again, I would strongly commit to going to the store, after all, everyone loves to have N at the party and everyone loves what she brings, when she actually comes (which is getting to be about half of the time recently) and brings something (also about half of the time). But also, I did feel that cleaning up the living room was more important. That's "the party" itself, "the soup" would be a nice but optional addition, which we must be able to get on without because in 10 years we've never had it before. I considered cleaning more important than the soup. But I didn't want to say that either.
After she left around 8 PM I had dinner then worked on the living room a bit then took a nap. I made sure to have the cell phone with me so I wouldn't miss her call. Around 11:15 I woke up and though to myself "I need to find the phone to see if she has called." I had forgotten that it was still in bed, now somewhat buried under the laptop computer there.
But first, I needed a quick shower, so I did that. That must have been when she called and texted. So then I looked in the (still very messy) kitchen where I thought I left the phone. Not there. So then I looked in the even more messy living room. Not there either. I went back and forth in increasing panic over the next 15 minutes. (I should have called the cell from my landline to find it.) I then figured the phone was in either room, and I would hear N call, so I should just start cleaning and it would turn up.
So then I got into full panic cleaning mode. I was making excellent progress but still not finding the phone. Finally, sometime around 1:40 I went into the bedroom and moved the laptop. There it was! And she had left both a call and a text.
Well I know she always says I can text at any time. But I didn't want to wake her in the case she had left the text ringer on. I suspected this would not go well. So I went to sleep in great trepidation.
The next day I started a series of return texts. The first, at 11:00 AM simply saying that I planned to go to the store at 2. I checked constantly for a reply hoping it would be all right, we could just go to the store now.
Then later when the party started I texted that she was being missed. Then I texted about one of the guests she might like to hear. When the party was over at 9PM, I texted that.
N has almost always denied being angry at me when she doesn't call or text as predicted the previous day, which happens about 50% of the time. Case in point, we had a fairly nice conversation Wednesday, when she had somewhat forgiven me, and then she said "I'll call you tomorrow." But then she did not call on Thursday or even reply to any of the 6 texts I sent. One time in our relationship she did not call or text in more than an entire week, without explanation until afterwards. That was in 2010 and I don't believe it has happened since then, though there was one stretch where she didn't call or visit for two weeks (but did occasionally text). Several times when she hasn't called in a full day she has explained that she lost the phone, forgot to bring it with her, it wasn't charged, or she was being picked up by her husband and couldn't call.
So because she has almost always denied being angry at me, I didn't want to presume that she was angry at me. It might have just been some sort of change in her schedule, as often happens nowadays, she might have been called in to work on Sunday. But now, after a whole day of silence, I was getting very worried. So as well as I could, I attempted to apologize and take full blame for not picking her up. And I tried to explain that I had lost the phone. Those were the sixth through eighth texts I sent that day. No response.
Monday morning...still no response so I texted again. Then she did finally call and we talked for about a minute. It was clear she was angry. I tried to apologize again but didn't have time to explain even what I had explained in the last few texts I sent (I had lost the phone). We then had more 1 minute calls that night and the next day. Finally we had a chance for a longer conversation on Wednesday. It seemed like she had pretty much forgiven me. I was begging for forgiveness since Sunday night. It was only about a 15 minute call but she said she would call again on Thursday.
But then she didn't call Thursday. OK, that's not unusual. So I don't know where she's at again, and that's the usual situation.
On Monday or Tuesday she replied to an email about water companies using poor quality fluoride. She replied curtly that it's the fault of scientists and economists and intellectuals who are rich enough to buy bottled water. She of course knows I work for scientists, sometimes almost consider myself nearly a scientist. And I read a lot of economics and eventually want to be a serious amateur economist (when I am retired from computer programming). So this seemed as much a barb as anything, as if she was just trying to make me angry.
I replied that wouldn't it be the politicians and good old boys who run the water companies that make these decisions. She quickly replied no, it's the scientists and economists, just like I said. So that obviated the phone call for that night (though she had also called in the afternoon).
Then there was a little angry text exchange. After the exchange about scientists when I got home I texted:
"Pointy headed intellectual home."
I meant that in a mostly friendly way. I know I'm sometimes too full of myself, etc. But she texted back:
"I did not call you that."
So then I doubled down:
"Works for scientists are read economics blogs too"
There was no response for 30 minutes, so I added:
"Don't work hard enough either. I must be pure evil."
It is true, by intent, that I don't work hard. I like the saying "I work hardly." But N has always had a work fetish. She particularly believes highly paid people, which would include scientists, don't work hard enough. She has this idea that everyone should have to do manual labor. I can see some value to that, but I think her strong feelings about this seem more like resentment than love or rationality. I personally don't believe in "hard work" and instead in "working hardly", but that's another long story. And I do know people like scientists who work plenty hard, from what I have seen. If anyone ought to be accused of not working hard enough--it should probably be me. OTOH, I believe I make up for that by doing many other socially productive things--so much that if I just did those, I would be carrying my weight socially.
Anway, no response until the morning, when she texted back:
"Ours has become a toxic relationship."
Oh, boy, was I up a creek. Well I probably didn't make the situation better by texting back:
"From what I can see you are poisoning yourself with anger. I'm just trying to be funny."
So she texted back:
"I am OK with my anger."
Well that left me no choice but to text back
"OK"
Fortunately, it got better after that. On Wednesday in addition to promising to call she promised to come over on a weekend "as soon as I have time." So I eagerly await future texts, calls, and visits.
The promise to take N to the store had been made during a brief Saturday meeting when she brought her daughter's dog over to the back yard just before dusk. (N walks her daughter's dog because her daughter doesn't take the time to sometimes.) The dog was constantly jumping at my crotch and I was wearing PJ's, so I finally had to push the dog down myself.
N asked "If you go to the store tonight, could you take me with you." That's how she put the question and I merely answered "OK, I'll call you when I am going to the store [tonight]." (I can't remember if I said tonight, but I suppose it was implied by the question, and I understood it that way.)
That was innocent enough, but she should have known I usually don't go to the store on Saturday nights. I usually go at the very last minute, 2:30 PM or so on Sunday, just before my Sunday party. So I found the question a bit irritating. Sure it was put with a nice friendly "if" but the suggestion was that if I didn't go to the store tonight, she probably wouldn't be able to make the soup she planned to make, and then might not even want to come to the party either. I didn't want to take that chance which was why I agreed. Even though the living room was still in a very messy state that would require many more hours to clean up, and I usually like to do that on Saturday night so I can sleep well. I felt pressured. But I figured I could wing it. If indeed I felt OK I would go. If not, I could always call. We could sort it out. No need to say NO now. And often, she cancels plans anyway, come 11PM she might even decide not to go. This was, of course, an error on my part. I should have either committed fully or rejected or been honest about my misgivings. As this conversation was already a bit strained, a full "honest" explanation of my feeling--of being pressured--did not seem like the best thing to do, but either of the other two options should have been selected. If I had to do it over again, I would strongly commit to going to the store, after all, everyone loves to have N at the party and everyone loves what she brings, when she actually comes (which is getting to be about half of the time recently) and brings something (also about half of the time). But also, I did feel that cleaning up the living room was more important. That's "the party" itself, "the soup" would be a nice but optional addition, which we must be able to get on without because in 10 years we've never had it before. I considered cleaning more important than the soup. But I didn't want to say that either.
After she left around 8 PM I had dinner then worked on the living room a bit then took a nap. I made sure to have the cell phone with me so I wouldn't miss her call. Around 11:15 I woke up and though to myself "I need to find the phone to see if she has called." I had forgotten that it was still in bed, now somewhat buried under the laptop computer there.
But first, I needed a quick shower, so I did that. That must have been when she called and texted. So then I looked in the (still very messy) kitchen where I thought I left the phone. Not there. So then I looked in the even more messy living room. Not there either. I went back and forth in increasing panic over the next 15 minutes. (I should have called the cell from my landline to find it.) I then figured the phone was in either room, and I would hear N call, so I should just start cleaning and it would turn up.
So then I got into full panic cleaning mode. I was making excellent progress but still not finding the phone. Finally, sometime around 1:40 I went into the bedroom and moved the laptop. There it was! And she had left both a call and a text.
Well I know she always says I can text at any time. But I didn't want to wake her in the case she had left the text ringer on. I suspected this would not go well. So I went to sleep in great trepidation.
The next day I started a series of return texts. The first, at 11:00 AM simply saying that I planned to go to the store at 2. I checked constantly for a reply hoping it would be all right, we could just go to the store now.
Then later when the party started I texted that she was being missed. Then I texted about one of the guests she might like to hear. When the party was over at 9PM, I texted that.
N has almost always denied being angry at me when she doesn't call or text as predicted the previous day, which happens about 50% of the time. Case in point, we had a fairly nice conversation Wednesday, when she had somewhat forgiven me, and then she said "I'll call you tomorrow." But then she did not call on Thursday or even reply to any of the 6 texts I sent. One time in our relationship she did not call or text in more than an entire week, without explanation until afterwards. That was in 2010 and I don't believe it has happened since then, though there was one stretch where she didn't call or visit for two weeks (but did occasionally text). Several times when she hasn't called in a full day she has explained that she lost the phone, forgot to bring it with her, it wasn't charged, or she was being picked up by her husband and couldn't call.
So because she has almost always denied being angry at me, I didn't want to presume that she was angry at me. It might have just been some sort of change in her schedule, as often happens nowadays, she might have been called in to work on Sunday. But now, after a whole day of silence, I was getting very worried. So as well as I could, I attempted to apologize and take full blame for not picking her up. And I tried to explain that I had lost the phone. Those were the sixth through eighth texts I sent that day. No response.
Monday morning...still no response so I texted again. Then she did finally call and we talked for about a minute. It was clear she was angry. I tried to apologize again but didn't have time to explain even what I had explained in the last few texts I sent (I had lost the phone). We then had more 1 minute calls that night and the next day. Finally we had a chance for a longer conversation on Wednesday. It seemed like she had pretty much forgiven me. I was begging for forgiveness since Sunday night. It was only about a 15 minute call but she said she would call again on Thursday.
But then she didn't call Thursday. OK, that's not unusual. So I don't know where she's at again, and that's the usual situation.
On Monday or Tuesday she replied to an email about water companies using poor quality fluoride. She replied curtly that it's the fault of scientists and economists and intellectuals who are rich enough to buy bottled water. She of course knows I work for scientists, sometimes almost consider myself nearly a scientist. And I read a lot of economics and eventually want to be a serious amateur economist (when I am retired from computer programming). So this seemed as much a barb as anything, as if she was just trying to make me angry.
I replied that wouldn't it be the politicians and good old boys who run the water companies that make these decisions. She quickly replied no, it's the scientists and economists, just like I said. So that obviated the phone call for that night (though she had also called in the afternoon).
Then there was a little angry text exchange. After the exchange about scientists when I got home I texted:
"Pointy headed intellectual home."
I meant that in a mostly friendly way. I know I'm sometimes too full of myself, etc. But she texted back:
"I did not call you that."
So then I doubled down:
"Works for scientists are read economics blogs too"
There was no response for 30 minutes, so I added:
"Don't work hard enough either. I must be pure evil."
It is true, by intent, that I don't work hard. I like the saying "I work hardly." But N has always had a work fetish. She particularly believes highly paid people, which would include scientists, don't work hard enough. She has this idea that everyone should have to do manual labor. I can see some value to that, but I think her strong feelings about this seem more like resentment than love or rationality. I personally don't believe in "hard work" and instead in "working hardly", but that's another long story. And I do know people like scientists who work plenty hard, from what I have seen. If anyone ought to be accused of not working hard enough--it should probably be me. OTOH, I believe I make up for that by doing many other socially productive things--so much that if I just did those, I would be carrying my weight socially.
Anway, no response until the morning, when she texted back:
"Ours has become a toxic relationship."
Oh, boy, was I up a creek. Well I probably didn't make the situation better by texting back:
"From what I can see you are poisoning yourself with anger. I'm just trying to be funny."
So she texted back:
"I am OK with my anger."
Well that left me no choice but to text back
"OK"
Fortunately, it got better after that. On Wednesday in addition to promising to call she promised to come over on a weekend "as soon as I have time." So I eagerly await future texts, calls, and visits.
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