N told me in phone call on Sunday night she would come by after work today (Tuesday) after 7am. Nothing happened. I texted at 10am Tuesday morning asking if she was still coming, and she replied around 11:30 saying she had gone home and slept and just woke up. I asked by text if she forgot. She texted she probably had, because of pain and being tired. I said OK, hope she feels better, and she could still come over for massage (which had been part of the rationale for this after-work morning visit).
So in the week since she got very angry at me for not showing up to take her to store (and I did wrong on that, I was in panic over cleaning up for my party and meanwhile couldn't find my phone to tell her I wasn't able to go to store, and should have realized I could use land line instead, if nothing else I should have texted when I found phone at 2am instead of next morning...she might have still been up), she missed one 'promised' call on Saturday night, and one 'promised' visit on Tuesday morning.
These are light promises, the word 'promise' was not used, but she texted (wrt the call) or told (wrt the visit) she was going to do these things, and at the time gave no conditions (if I feel up to it, if I have time, etc...). I was disappointed both times. Especially wrt the call on Saturday night since I was waiting all day for it, relying on it to help break the loneliness. And today, this morning, I usually sleep until 10am or so, so I had been thinking about it all day yesterday, arranged things so I got to bed relatively early, and was somewhat awake in bed since about 9am if not 8:30, expecting her to come by or text at any minute.
I'm not angry, I'm disappointed. If I were to be angry, it would be mainly about the asymmetry here. But I'm not angry. Actually, in a way, I'm relieved that it has only taken a week after my broken promise for her to break two. I had been saying her average is about 50%, now here are some examples. Not to say that I was not very disappointed each time. I was also very disappointed by every single such example going back to 2009. Way back a long time ago, I might have gotten angry a few times, just a bit. I may have raised my voice when I asked her about something about those. She gets angry when I raise my voice, and it doesn't matter if I'm asking a question. She kind of told me that I would have to live with the fact she has other people in her life, and perhaps we shouldn't see each other at all. I insisted that we'll keep it going, and I'd accept her limitations.
I'm worried, perhaps, about the way things are going, and whether she will ultimately move in as expected and hoped, someday. That's the nagging doubt, and doubt doesn't do my ego any good either. But it is still good to have a friend, and we have been texting pretty well since Sunday. She has even been responing to my texts during her working hours, which she hadn't done in many months. So despite two new disappointments, we seem to be moving forward.
I'm not angry, I'm disappointed. If I were to be angry, it would be mainly about the asymmetry here. But I'm not angry. Actually, in a way, I'm relieved that it has only taken a week after my broken promise for her to break two. I had been saying her average is about 50%, now here are some examples. Not to say that I was not very disappointed each time. I was also very disappointed by every single such example going back to 2009. Way back a long time ago, I might have gotten angry a few times, just a bit. I may have raised my voice when I asked her about something about those. She gets angry when I raise my voice, and it doesn't matter if I'm asking a question. She kind of told me that I would have to live with the fact she has other people in her life, and perhaps we shouldn't see each other at all. I insisted that we'll keep it going, and I'd accept her limitations.
I'm worried, perhaps, about the way things are going, and whether she will ultimately move in as expected and hoped, someday. That's the nagging doubt, and doubt doesn't do my ego any good either. But it is still good to have a friend, and we have been texting pretty well since Sunday. She has even been responing to my texts during her working hours, which she hadn't done in many months. So despite two new disappointments, we seem to be moving forward.
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