The Leaf Mulcher

For assorted yard work, and reorganizing the kitchen, I offered to pay my then only half employed friend O at generous rates, $20-$40 an hour.  For one hour of actual weeding, I credited her $40.  After the first week of 3 days work, one hour or two per day, no more than 5 hours, I obtained $120 cash.  I tried to give it to my friend, but she refused to take it.  She said I didn't owe her anything.  Finally I grabbed her purse and stuffed it in.  She ended up taking it.

But shortly thereafter she called and insisted that I never ever do that again.  It made her feel too badly.  We argued about this.  It was a very heated, relationship threatening argument.  I said she was totally entitled to the money.  Finally she agreed I could keep an account of her work, not to pay me now, but possibly later.  I then devised a virtual "account" I would credit her work to, which she could draw on at any time.

Over the next couple months, she did more work, and I credited all of it to her account.  I made a point of crediting all the work, though some of it was arranging things to her preferences, and not necessarily mine.  And the way she did things was sometimes completely counter to the way I wanted them done.  But I figured, that's the way it goes, that's the way it would go in the relationship I hope for (more like dream of) and so it was fine.

I kept offering her the money but she refused, though once taking $40 cash.  Her account ultimately built up to $425.  Many times I asked her to take the money, I didn't really want to keep it.

Then one day she asked me if I would get her a leaf mulcher from her account.  I quickly agreed.  No problem, I'll go right to the store.  But then she asked me if I would use a leaf mulcher.  I said, no, I mulch leaves using my mulching mower.  I don't myself need a leaf mulcher.  But I said I'd be glad to get one for her anyway.  She then said no, if you don't need a leaf mulcher, don't get one.  I said several times I could get one for her anyway, but she ultimately insisted I not get it if I wasn't going to use it myself.  After having been through the previous argument after I stuffed money into her purse, I wasn't game to try disobedience.

So now, several months later, she brings up this episode to prove to me how false I am.  I promised money, but never delivered.  I'm "just like other men, making promises and not delivering."  I then promised to get her the money right now.  She again refused, saying "You weren't there when I needed you."  Apparently she had done her leaf mulching by other means, fuming all the time about how cheap I was, and somehow not remembering that it was she who insisted I not get the leaf mulcher.

Since this has just occurred, it's memorable, and I'm sure I've got the details right.  This is to my mind clearly a case of passive aggression.  I believe this has happened before, but I can't remember the details right now.  But when I mentioned some similar case to a psychologist friend, he said that yes, that happens a lot.

I feel like I'm a very generous person.  I've donated tens of thousands of dollars to various charitable and political organizations.  Every year I give undirected money to United Way, even though it does nothing special for me and I wouldn't agree with many of the groups funded.  Just this year I donated a new garage door to my next door neighbor, and not the cheapest one, and just today I gave him an extra $60 loan for gas.

As far as my friend O, I bought her a cell phone and paid for it for a year (and resisted having her pay, but she ultimately insisted on taking it over, then somewhat coincidentally, I started getting fewer calls and our relationship started getting rocky as it has continued this year).  I got her two seasons worth of tickets to the symphony.  And perhaps not entirely related, but at least partly, I've spent $50,000 on improving my house in preparation for her to move over.

But I'm only mentioning these things as context.  It's not that I feel owed anything.  I took her to the symphony because I liked having her with me.  And I gave her a cell phone because I loved getting those calls.  However, whenever I try to mention context like this to her, she gets very angry.  She did in fact refuse to have me buy her symphony tickets for the first two seasons.  She got her own cheap seat up in the balcony.  She insisted she liked that better.  I had to argue for two years until she would accept my stage front seats.

What I want is not to have someone feel they owe me something.  What I want is just a little respect.  I freely spend money for other people.  I try to help.  Those are the kind of things I'd just like to get a little respect for.