I would so much like to love someone, someone like the lady I've now spent 9 hours with over two days at the Mensa AG. Love could just be listening, I suppose, and I thought I did that fairly well. She talked about 90% of the time. I don't mind that anymore, necessarily. It takes the burden off me of figuring what to say from moment to moment. And see seemed very compatible with my like and dislikes, and my politics (which is very important to me, and seemed to be to her as well).
But I wanted at least to touch, touch her hand, rub her arm, rub her back and neck just like I do with my #1 friend and main squeeze. It seemed clear to me that she needed love, and almost as clear that she wanted to be another special friend, someone I could at least hug, THE thing to do at RG's.
She offered her hand when we first met the second day, but I took the initiative (which often works) of going for the hug. It was only a one or two second hug because it seemed pretty quickly it was making her uncomfortable. And then when I asked on the second day if I could hold her hand, she looked puzzled, then said yes, but then when I tried to show more affection she said no. She didn't respond positively to back or neck rub was we were sitting next to each just before the fireworks either. For my own support I needed to lean my arm behind her, but though she didn't seem to take offense when our legs touched, it was beginning to seem she systematically slid down the grassy slope whenever by arm touched her back.
So when we parted, and she offered her hand and said "maybe I'll see you tomorrow", and I said "OK. Take care." and we shook hands only briefly, and I didn't even try for a hug.
I suppose I shouldn't have felt hurt, she's a nice lady, could be a nice friend, and she did nothing wrong.
But I did feel hurt, I was hoping for more, I think we could have both used more love and affection.
It seems like the story of my life, in 57 years it seems like I'm getting no closer to having an actual heterosexual orgasm in my lifetime. 99% of the time, even after some serious attempting, I don't get to touch any more than I would touch my boss. Now I wasn't expecting to get to sex with this lady during this RG, but I thought about it a few times. Sometimes but only in the distant past like 35 years ago did I have dates where the woman seemed too forward about going to intercourse even to the point of making me uncomfortable. So it is possible for a woman to go too fast for me. So all I was seriously hoping for was some time for affection of the hand holding, back and neck rubbing kind. That would have been especially nice with this lady, whose large bosom made my heart pound, especially before we had our first conversations on Tuesday. I could be touching a lady who strongly turned me on. Even without anything close to sexual intercourse, this would be a huge step forward for my self esteem as well as my male drive.
I was feeling mixed messaging, like she did really want to be touched, but I was wrong.
It was funny about how she apologized several times, or rationalized having the two extra guys on our walk to the river for fireworks tonight. They were guys she met in Europe. I was not put off by that at all, and I'm not sure why I should have been. So I was taking this as a message "well I would like to do more later, but we need these guys for navigation now." I even wondered beforehand if she had more interest in the guys than me. But they were not getting in my way at all, especially by the time we sat down. Why would she have to apologize if we were just friends?
That was just one of several communications that suggested to me that she wanted to do more than just talk. Most of them were non-verbal.
It does seem to me that women could do much more, for themselves and others, simply by saying yes a bit more often. Sure I can't blame any woman for not submitting to me. So this is a kind-of collective thing. Why haven't any of them been able to do more? It's not like I haven't tried, I've spent my whole life trying. But there's no lady who deserves punishment or even reprimand for this, and I have no answers either. The only world which I would choose to be this way would be the one in which I change it. I hope I find an answer someday. But I really just need the answer for me.
I have recently been thinking, that if love were the only thing I wanted, I would have been much better off being a dog. M and I talked about dogs, and she said a dog needs to be walked 3 times a day, which she did. Doesn't a man need something too?
She offered her hand when we first met the second day, but I took the initiative (which often works) of going for the hug. It was only a one or two second hug because it seemed pretty quickly it was making her uncomfortable. And then when I asked on the second day if I could hold her hand, she looked puzzled, then said yes, but then when I tried to show more affection she said no. She didn't respond positively to back or neck rub was we were sitting next to each just before the fireworks either. For my own support I needed to lean my arm behind her, but though she didn't seem to take offense when our legs touched, it was beginning to seem she systematically slid down the grassy slope whenever by arm touched her back.
So when we parted, and she offered her hand and said "maybe I'll see you tomorrow", and I said "OK. Take care." and we shook hands only briefly, and I didn't even try for a hug.
I suppose I shouldn't have felt hurt, she's a nice lady, could be a nice friend, and she did nothing wrong.
But I did feel hurt, I was hoping for more, I think we could have both used more love and affection.
It seems like the story of my life, in 57 years it seems like I'm getting no closer to having an actual heterosexual orgasm in my lifetime. 99% of the time, even after some serious attempting, I don't get to touch any more than I would touch my boss. Now I wasn't expecting to get to sex with this lady during this RG, but I thought about it a few times. Sometimes but only in the distant past like 35 years ago did I have dates where the woman seemed too forward about going to intercourse even to the point of making me uncomfortable. So it is possible for a woman to go too fast for me. So all I was seriously hoping for was some time for affection of the hand holding, back and neck rubbing kind. That would have been especially nice with this lady, whose large bosom made my heart pound, especially before we had our first conversations on Tuesday. I could be touching a lady who strongly turned me on. Even without anything close to sexual intercourse, this would be a huge step forward for my self esteem as well as my male drive.
I was feeling mixed messaging, like she did really want to be touched, but I was wrong.
It was funny about how she apologized several times, or rationalized having the two extra guys on our walk to the river for fireworks tonight. They were guys she met in Europe. I was not put off by that at all, and I'm not sure why I should have been. So I was taking this as a message "well I would like to do more later, but we need these guys for navigation now." I even wondered beforehand if she had more interest in the guys than me. But they were not getting in my way at all, especially by the time we sat down. Why would she have to apologize if we were just friends?
That was just one of several communications that suggested to me that she wanted to do more than just talk. Most of them were non-verbal.
It does seem to me that women could do much more, for themselves and others, simply by saying yes a bit more often. Sure I can't blame any woman for not submitting to me. So this is a kind-of collective thing. Why haven't any of them been able to do more? It's not like I haven't tried, I've spent my whole life trying. But there's no lady who deserves punishment or even reprimand for this, and I have no answers either. The only world which I would choose to be this way would be the one in which I change it. I hope I find an answer someday. But I really just need the answer for me.
I have recently been thinking, that if love were the only thing I wanted, I would have been much better off being a dog. M and I talked about dogs, and she said a dog needs to be walked 3 times a day, which she did. Doesn't a man need something too?
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